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Wed, Aug. 26th, 2009, 10:31 pm
lost

Once upon a time, I was a girl with many dreams. An ambitious girl, I set goals every year and worked to achieve them. I had plans. Not all of my goals and plans came to fruition, but I was okay with that and adjusted where necessary. Life happened. I grew up. I did not follow every planned route, but took some great scenic back roads that took me to some wonderful places. All was well. Then, I got pregnant. It was like driving off a cliff into a deep sea of intoxicating, pure love. I was officially derailed. Goals? Gone. Priorities? Completely shaken and reset. Plans? Erased and replaced.

They are school-age now, and I'm trying to remember how to be human.

Surely, there are things that motivate me outside of motherhood. Surely, there is something important to me in addition to my children. Surely, there is a life to be lived that will show my children that there is more to me than just Mommy.

I'm trying to remember.

Sun, May. 3rd, 2009, 08:51 pm
breakfast in the kitchen

Little moments of happiness,
like dust motes
floating;
we intersect,
I smile,
a second of perfection.
Those are the pieces
that will flash before my eyes.
All of them,
someday,
dying with me.
Just as it should be.

Fri, Apr. 3rd, 2009, 09:20 pm
the third

I wanted to write something every day
and pledged
to start on the first of the month.
Only it's the third now, the third of April,
and I've just now
remembered
the pledge.
The days bunch together
blur together
whir together
and then
it's Monday again,
all over again,
the to-do list looming
the commitments
blooming
and where does the time go?
Where does it go?
I sometimes wonder,
will it always feel this way?
Or will there come a point,
someday,
when I take a deep breath
and let it out,
let it out slowly
peacefully
without thoughts of
all
there is to do,
all
the things to organize
all
the things I've probably
forgotten.
I suppose that might be my dying breath,
but perhaps it will be
a good one.

Wed, Sep. 5th, 2007, 10:33 pm
9.6.07

and in the night
the calm eludes me
I try not to think
not to worry
not to sink into
what-if
and
why-me
but even without the
words
or pictures,
thoughts
or sounds...
it's there.
It's there.
the calm eludes me
sleep will too,
tonight.
and tomorrow
will come and go
all the same.

Thu, Sep. 21st, 2006, 12:15 pm
on the edge of something meaningful

i can feel everything all at once,
she said
i am scared and aware of
this world so big, so wonderful,
so tumultuous, so alive

pent up breath,
always
perched on the cusp
because the motion is dizzying
no matter how tight you hang on

the only obstacles are the ones we
allow
but no one want wants to admit that
and fewer will learn that they, too
can move forward

Wed, Sep. 20th, 2006, 04:45 pm
overdue.

my barbed bridge over troubled waters,
you stirred those waves yourself,
made the passage a difficult one
and

i chose you
all the same.

i forgive
and it begets
an ill-advised trust
but trust it is,
all the same.

perhaps the comfort of the bottom rung
is in knowing that the fall is done.
acceptance or complacence?
all the same.

i am stronger for the wear.

Mon, Nov. 21st, 2005, 03:19 pm
100 Words, 20051107

I’m brewing a pot of mid-afternoon coffee in hopes that it will carry me through the rest of the day. When I’m tired like this, I’ve got no patience nor stamina; tolerance to all things noisy is reduced to nothing. Knowing I’ll feel this way doesn’t seem to be much of a deterrent, however, even when I pointedly remind myself of the near-guarantee of burning eyes and brain-ache. Staying up late is the only way to get any time to myself, and it’s worth the occasional flat day. Alone time restores sanity more effectively than sleep does.

Fri, Nov. 18th, 2005, 05:43 pm
100 Words, 20051106

I disgust myself sometimes. My own immaturity stares me in the face, and all I can do is thumb my nose at it. A task sits in front of me-- not a difficult task, just one that requires time and concentration. There are six million things that suddenly seem more important and certainly more alluring than The Task. I find myself actively searching for distraction and jumping at every chance to drown out that voice who persistently reminds me of what I should be doing. The guilt-cloud above me is even worthy of attention-- hence, this ode to distraction.

Thu, Nov. 10th, 2005, 03:14 pm
20051105

I’m beginning to think that I’m not cut out for this level of domesticity. Keeping the house clean and the laundry caught up is not only a thankless task-- it’s all but impossible. Yes, I realize that women have been doing this for centuries, and have had much taller mountains to climb than my own. Yes, I am aware of the fact that I’ve only got two children to clean up after... but the mess these boys create is shocking. Where’s June Cleaver when you need her? I could use some housewife lessons; I’m not doing a very good job.

Thu, Nov. 10th, 2005, 03:13 pm
20051104

Yesterday, I was ready to sell my boys on eBay. On top of being extra cranky and agressive, they were whining up a storm. The best part? I’d asked Max to please stop whining and to talk in a normal voice. The answer was laughable: "But I'm noooooot whiiiiiiniiiing!"

Their behavior, coupled with my sleep deprivation (which I can only blame myself for) resulted in an entirely stressful and unhappy day. By evening, I was crying tears of frustration and was wishing for someplace to run away to. Anyplace. All I wanted was a few moments to myself, in silence.

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